Accountant Story One Three accountants and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three accountants buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an accountant. They all board the train. The engineers take their respective seats but all three accountants cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the engineers decide to copy the accountants on the return trip and save some money (knowing that accountants are clever with money) . When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the accountants don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an accountant. When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a rest room and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the accountants leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." Accountant Story Two A fellow has been learning to be a balloonist and takes his first solo flight. Unfortunately the wind gets up, he is blown off course and is forced to land. He is in a paddock close to a road but has no idea where he is. He sees a car coming along the road and hails it. The driver gets out and the balloonist says, "G'day sir, can you tell me where I am?" "Yes, of course", says the motorist. "You have just landed in your balloon and with this wind you have obviously been blown off course. You are in the back field on John Dawson's farm, 13.5 miles from Knoxville. John will be plowing and sowing corn in the back field next week. There is a bull in the field. It is behind you and about to attack you." At the moment the bull reaches the balloonist and tosses him over the fence. Luckily he is unhurt. He gets up, dusts himself off and says to the motorist, "I see you're an accountant". "Good Grief", says the driver, "you're right. How did you know that?" "I employ accountants", says the balloonist. "The information you gave me was detailed, precise and accurate. Most of it was useless and it arrived far too late to be of any help." Accountant Story Three Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, 'You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees.' The cannibals promised. Four weeks later the boss returns and says, 'You're all workin very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?' The cannibals all shake their heads no. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, 'Which of you idiots ate the janitor?' A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, 'You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Accountants, Lawyers, Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!' New Retirement Plan If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg Plan. Management Training An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day." Link To More Accounting and Business Jokes Business Jokes